We women are often blind to our own allure to men. Because the eye cannot see itself, we don’t see our beauty in the same way that men do. It’s impossible. As with beauty, both inner and outer, femininity is in the eyes of the beholder. Since men are the beholders of our femininity, wouldn’t that make them experts on the topic, and wouldn’t it benefit us to learn what femininity is from their viewpoint?
Incidentally, although men know what attracts them to us, that does not mean they know all the particulars of our beauty products and services. For example, they don’t know the specific makeup brands, shades, techniques, hair-color products, and countless other details with which we concern ourselves. However, they do know what they like when they see it and experience it.
“Femininity is something I feel when I see it, although it’s sometimes difficult to define in words. It’s an ethereal presence that at once stirs and soothes the male soul. I do know that a soft, kind smile from a woman is pretty damn feminine.” – Ken, business owner, Ventura, California
Men Hold Femininity in High Regard
One man in Lake Tahoe told me,
“If women fully realized their worth as feminine beings to men, it would completely change the way they see themselves. Their self-esteem would soar. Women would begin to value their natural femininity like never before.”
Contrary to popular stereotypes, men don’t see femininity as less valuable than masculinity. In fact, men are far more “feminine-friendly” than we are. Good men view women as different but equal to them—not inferior to them. Most men hold femininity in high regard as a strength. When we operate from our feminine energy, men adore us, honor us, and want to care for and protect us. They value and respect our femininity because nothing in the world can take its place.
A healthy man is not attracted to subservient doormats. A woman with low self-esteem has little to contribute to his life. She drains his energy while he tries to prop her up. Men don’t seek women who are mere decorations without opinions of their own. Only a highly insecure man would seek a woman with such low self-esteem, no matter her looks. Being soft and tender is not the same as being a doormat. When we offer our feminine tenderness to a man who loves us, he doesn’t think less of us—he adores us.
A masculine man wants a feminine woman who is his valued counterpart, not a bimbo or a pushover. Nor is he looking for his gender twin—a masculine woman. He wants a woman who will complement his masculinity with her femininity.
Although these qualities of softness and tenderness may seem insignificant to us because they are natural and effortless for us, they are precious to a man. Our feminine softness proves valuable because it soothes his soul and contributes to his sense of well-being. Our femininity makes a man feel masculine, and his masculinity restores his energy. Without a feminine woman in his life, a man often lacks inspiration and may settle for an unheroic life.
Think back to a time when you saw a feminine woman’s influence over a man. Perhaps it was a gentle, petite woman who calmed her gruff man (who was twice her size) simply with her soft tone and tender touch. It seems illogical, but the female’s tenderness works like magic on men … and they love it.
Excerpt from Chapter 2 of Simply Feminine, Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
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As one man best expressed it:
“When women try to become masculine, they give up their true strength. Women are already upstream in the Universe—they just need to flow with the current rather than fight it and try to go the wrong way.” – Rob
Many women today believe that to succeed in the workplace they must set aside their femininity and operate from their masculine energy. However, for those of us with a strong feminine core, this means an endless struggle to stay in an energy that is foreign to us. Because a masculine role is not natural to us, we aren’t living from an authentic place. We keep ourselves from fully expressing our innate competencies. As a result, we are not performing at our best. Even worse, we accumulate stresses that take a toll on our mental and physical well-being. Our bodies protest and become tense and rigid because this is not our true energy. We risk burning out.
Correspondingly, we have all observed women in leadership roles who act as if they can gain more power and control by being rude, overbearing, and domineering. Far from being examples of empowerment, they mimic the behaviors of lesser, insecure men. Truly effective leaders, men and women alike, lead by example and empower others, rather than by ego domination and control. Men have made it very clear to me that women have extraordinary power over them—if they are being feminine.
Here is a refreshing bit of information I learned from men: Women acting masculine is not what elicits respect. In fact, men see it as a weakness—a sign of cowardice, because they don’t have the courage to be themselves. What’s respected in the workplace is a woman (or a man) who is talented, capable and competent at what they do. Therefore, a woman who’s competent in her field and who has the courage to be authentically feminine at the same time can be powerfully effective.
The fact that women don’t need to act masculine to be successful is not an arbitrary conclusion. It is supported by the men I’ve talked with. They overwhelmingly expressed the belief that a woman can be a great leader while staying feminine. Rather than trying to mimic masculine qualities, a woman can effectively leverage her feminine (e.g., connecting and relating abilities) to lead a team by gathering the best ideas and using her influence to orchestrate agreement. This way, the organization can accomplish a goal with the whole team buying in. Some of the details may require more masculine energy, and if she chooses, there is nothing wrong with temporarily exercising her masculine energy, or delegating tasks to those better suited to them. She loves her team or organization into success, just as she would her family. She leads from her authentic feminine, not a façade of masculinity.
Femininity: A Perfect Design
Imagine Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. She has an inner glow about her. She exudes radiance with her warm smile, sparkling eyes and soft skin. In a relaxed manner, she gracefully moves through life, cheerfully interacting with others, appreciating and creating beauty wherever she goes. She thrives on her relationships, including being warm and receptive to men and inspiring their cooperation.
Now, picture that Aphrodite has decided to go masculine by “dressing for success.” She cuts her long locks, trades her flowing gown for a dark business suit, and rather than living from her natural feminine essence, sets her sights on climbing the corporate ladder to achieve power and material wealth. It may seem at first glance she is embarking on a path of achievement … but she discovers pretty quickly that she has traded away far more than she has gained.
However, despite all the confusion out there, femininity is not lost. It’s an intrinsic part of who we are as women. Just as the sun is not gone when clouds cover it, our femininity simply needs to be uncovered so that it can shine through us again. Like Aphrodite, we are so much more effective when we operate from our natural essence—instead of altering an already perfect design!
Excerpt from Chapter 1, Whatever Happened to Femininity? Simply Feminine, Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly.
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Our Aversion to the Word “Need”
As a whole, we women seem to be proud of not needing a man today. We can even wear it like a badge of honor. However, we have no idea how this kind of pride destroys a man’s adoration for us.
We’ve come to believe that autonomy is synonymous with strength. As part of our cultural emphasis on independence, we have heard repeatedly that we are not supposed to need a man in our lives. We have been led to believe there is something wrong with us if we say we “need” a man, and we have been conditioned to deny these thoughts and feelings as though needing a man is an unpardonable sin. Even if we secretly admit to ourselves we need a man, we don’t dare say it aloud. Many of us disappear into a closet with our needs, where we pretend to be perfectly happy—independent and alone.
Men have described a modern-day trend in women’s online dating profiles in which women write that they “don’t need a man, they just want a man.” However, this statement does not endear a woman to them; in fact, they tell me it turns them off. Men need to feel useful to women, but how can they feel useful if we claim we don’t need them? How would we feel if we weren’t needed?
Sure, we can exist without a man, but that isn’t living life to the fullest. Quality men can add so much to our lives if we let them. The right man opens the door to our heart more than we can for ourselves. He can add more safety, happiness, support, and fulfillment to our lives. Good men make it a priority to see that our needs and desires are met. I think that’s a wonderful thing. Imagine how much easier our lives could be if we just let men know about our needs. They long to help us. All we have to do is to let them.
“Men and women are like two feet; they need each other to get ahead.” – Dr. Helen Fisher
Excerpt from Chapter 5 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men, by Morgan Wonderly
Men Love Us to be Happy
Men adore women who radiate happiness because seeing a woman who’s happy is one of their top sources of joy. And so making the woman happy makes a man feel purposeful in his relationship with her; keeping us happy is one of the ways men feel they can win with us. Our joy inspires them to provide, protect, and care for us. Often, a man will do something for his woman simply because he knows it makes her happy. He does this because his woman’s happiness makes him feel like a good, masculine man. And in return, when he does this, he feels masculine.
Unfortunately, when we are generally negative, sad, or angry, it takes away from our overall attractiveness. That is not to say we won’t have our moments when we feel unhappy or angry, but choosing to be happy and upbeat can make such a difference in the way we feel. Reality is whatever we make it. We can transform our lives from a painful struggle into a joyous journey simply by shifting to a positive mindset and seeing possibility in place of difficulty.
“You are the designer of your destiny; you are the author of your story.” – Lisa Nichols, Author of No Matter What
One thing I did to help change my mindset was to stop watching the news with all its negative messages. For that matter, I stopped watching any TV or movies that were violent, tragic, or scary. Now, besides having more time, I feel much more optimistic!
If we choose to live as happy women, we must continually feed our minds positive messages. Our subconscious mind is like a computer that picks up information around us constantly. It doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. If we think the TV doesn’t affect our beliefs and attitudes, it just means we are hopelessly shackled to it and in denial of its power over us.
Maintaining a cheerful mental attitude may also mean letting go of certain toxic, negative friends whose attitudes drain our energy and bring us down. No, we cannot change them, so we need to respectfully let them go instead of resenting them for bringing negative energy into our lives.
One way to understand the happiness that men adore is to think of a joyful moment in your life. Recall how your face radiated happiness, your voice sounded vibrant, and your eyes lit up. Take a mental snapshot of that moment because those happy moments are when you’re the most beautiful to men. We can bring this moment back whenever we want, just by remembering and getting into the feeling.
Tips to Becoming Happier:
- Taking responsibility for ourselves is the first step to our happiness.
- Others are not to blame for what’s wrong in our lives. We create our own reality through our thinking, words, conversations, and self-talk.
- Once we realize that we create our own destiny, we have the power to change it.
- Smile often. Besides melting men’s hearts, a smile is an instant face-lift.
- Release anger, and forgive others often, including yourself.
- Meditate daily and/or practice yoga.
- Move away from toxic, negative friends who are energy vampires.
- Find a happiness example or coach—someone who is happy most of the time.
- Start a gratitude journal and write what you’re grateful for every morning. It works like magic. Gratitude is the most direct way to happiness.
- Practice reframing the past from a positive viewpoint. Let go of the old, negative story and create a new story that feels great.
- Make a game of turning every lemon in life into lemonade.
- Focus on bringing a smile to someone else’s face through kindness and warmth.
- Make a list of exciting people, places, and activities to explore every day.
- Set aside some time every day for relaxation and fun.
- Be creative. Take a painting class, join a writers’ group, or enroll in a photography club.
- Substitute negative TV shows and violent or scary movies with positive, inspiring information, activities, and friends.
- Never compete with others. Instead, focus on self-development and only compete with yourself. No feelings of envy or jealousy come from that.
- Try something new. Nothing opens us up more than something new, even if it’s driving home on a different route or trying a new recipe for dinner.
- Read positive, uplifting books to quickly and easily change moods and outlook.
- Attend personal development seminars, workshops, classes, and/or camps. We are living beings, and if we are not growing, we are dying. Growing is a lot more fun.
Excerpt from Chapter 7 of Simply Feminine, Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly.