I was surprised to learn how much the simplest, most unassuming nuances can have the biggest effect in captivating men. Men take note of certain things we would never expect. While men don’t always observe or focus on our imperfections, they do notice small gestures and qualities that make us enchantingly feminine to them. Here are some examples:
- The twinkle in our eye when we communicate our interest.
- That certain look that speaks volumes.
- The way our strands of hair frame our face and shoulders.
- The delicate movements of our hands and wrists.
- The carefree way our hair blows in the breeze.
- The uninhibited giggles we let out when he says something humorous.
- The back of our neck that’s exposed when our hair is pulled up.
- The delicacy of our fingers holding a fork or wine glass.
- The radiant smiles we flash him.
- The soft whispers we breathe into his ear.
- The dangling of a shoe when one leg is crossed over the other.
- The strap of our dress or blouse slipping off our shoulder.
- The mindless way we twirl our hair with our finger when we’re nervous.
- The way we sing like a songbird from another part of the house.
- The fresh smell we have after a bath.
- The clean scent of our hair just after it’s washed.
The simple movements and gestures that men find endearing require little or no effort on our part. To men, femininity isn’t so much what we do, it’s who we are naturally, authentically.
A number of men told me about moments from the past with feminine women that they’ll never forget. One man remembered holding his girlfriend’s hand and twirling the ring on her finger as a way of connecting while they listened to a monotonous speaker. Another remembered seeing a redhead from behind in a grocery store and being in awe of her beautiful red curls. Another man remembered an Italian woman he encountered in Rome who gave him a warm and unforgettable smile as she walked by.
From the way men talk about these memories, I’ve been repeatedly awestruck by how these special little moments seem embedded in men’s minds forever. Even when we may not be aware of it, men notice us. When we realize that men appreciate the little things about us, it will give us greater confidence and make us feel more beautiful. And when we feel beautiful, we are beautiful!
Jim, an engineer from California, once remarked:
“I will never forget a waitress I observed at a restaurant in a shopping mall. She had a good body, looked like she was very active, not at all overweight, and not over-the-top sexy either, just genuinely healthy-looking. She was running around helping everyone she could. She was laughing, she was happy, and the customers seemed to love her. I noticed a couple of the male waiters watching her, as she was covering far more tables and customers than they were. They were grinning. I felt that this was a woman that I could like. Her attitude was extremely attractive to me, and she was wonderfully feminine in my eyes. What I didn’t tell you is that apart from her attitude, and an athletic, womanly body, she would be considered quite homely, perhaps a 3 on a 1-10 scale. But she didn’t know it! From her attitude you would have thought that she felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world!”
Men find us more beautiful than we do ourselves. Instead of noticing what’s wrong, men see what’s attractive. For instance, men see our curves before they see our cellulite.
We females, however, notice every imperfection. We expertly critique every detail of our hair, outfit, nails, makeup, and shoes. Because we are so hard on ourselves, we assume that men notice the same imperfect details. However, just as men don’t notice their socks lying in the middle of the floor, they don’t observe our imperfections—unless we call attention to them. We often make the mistake of redirecting a man’s attention away from our feminine beauty onto flaws we’re self-conscious about—flaws that a man would never have noticed if we had not pointed them out. While our female brains focus on what needs to improve or change, men’s brains focus on what’s feminine and alluring. We are far better off when we appreciate the positive feminine qualities that we already have in abundance, as opposed to being our own worst critics and finding an endless parade of real or imagined defects.
A Story of My Brother
When my brother Paul visited me in San Diego some years ago, he took photos of me at the beach. He later said that one photo in particular was the best picture he’d ever seen of me. But, when he showed me the photo, I didn’t like it at all, and I couldn’t understand why he loved it so much. My hair was blown back, revealing my high forehead and dark roots, and I felt my smile was too broad and gummy.
My brother was a perfectionist in photography, so I couldn’t imagine why he picked that photo. But now, years later, I can finally appreciate the beauty he saw. Despite the glaring imperfections I observed, my brother saw a natural, happy girl with a genuine, unabashed smile. For him, my inner radiance outshined any “imperfections.”
This story illustrates how men see our beauty differently than we do. They see our beauty when we often don’t.
Men of all ages tell me that they see something beautiful in every woman, even if a woman is not their type. Finding women beautiful seems to be woven into their DNA. Women should feel relieved and happy that men notice and admire the simply feminine things we take for granted: our curves, our colors, our curls, our eyes, our smiles, and our hips. These features of ours are quite mesmerizing to them, even though we put little effort or expense into them.
This is a before and after of one of my clients. Notice how she was hiding her curves in the before photo.
It’s important to know that men love curves of all sizes. Some men prefer smaller curves while others prefer larger curves. Nevertheless, the operative word is curves.
Men want to see our hourglass, so accentuating our waistline is the goal. Why do you think women wore corsets in days gone by? It was all about the sought-after hourglass. One way to accentuate our waist is to wear princess-cut tops or dresses that cinch at the waist. We can also achieve this look by wearing form-fitting—not tight—clothing. Vertical ribbing in tops and dresses is another wonderful way of accentuating our curves because the lines trace our form in a subtle way that catches a man’s attention. A word of caution: Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. Wearing a dress that’s too tight can appear cheap or “trampy.” It also gives the appearance that we’re wearing clothes we’ve outgrown from weight gain. Not a pretty sight.
Another way to accomplish the hourglass look is with belts. Choose belts that are on the thinner side. Men say they dislike thick belts and don’t find them feminine because they remind them of a workman’s tool belt or a wrestler’s belt. Choose a belt that matches the dress, or a neutral or complementary color.
“I find models who are too thin to be almost boyish,
and not attractive.”
“Muscular women don’t look feminine because they’ve lost
their soft curves.”
Vulnerability is closely related to authenticity. We can’t be fully authentic without first being vulnerable. This willingness to be deeply open and transparent makes us irresistible to a man. One reason vulnerability is so attractive to a man is that he has a deep need to be needed and to be protective of us. Our vulnerability brings out the hero in him.
So why is the thought of being vulnerable so frightening to us? Perhaps it is because we fear the hurt and rejection that might come when we unmask our real selves. Vulnerability takes courage because we have to surrender to our fears of being seen and known. It feels scary because it requires getting naked emotionally and we could get hurt.
Most of us carry past relationship wounds of some kind, which can make being vulnerable a scary proposition. It is important as women that we first listen to and trust our intuition to determine when to be vulnerable and when not to be. Yet to have real intimacy in a romantic relationship we must be willing to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, we are prone to being hollow and rigid. We miss out on the rich, close connection with the man we love. We cannot experience genuine love or intimacy without vulnerability.
Once we have chosen a good man and opened ourselves to him, we receive the best rewards. We find that as we are more vulnerable, our man is too. Men want to feel safe to express their uncertainties to us, but they are not likely to open up if we won’t be vulnerable with them. It’s the intimacy of sharing secrets and intimate details that sets our hearts free and serves as a bonding force in couples.
Being vulnerable is not only a gift we give ourselves, it’s also a gift of freedom for our men.
Men have consistently expressed to me the desire for a woman to be authentic and vulnerable instead of putting up the pretense of perfection. Here are some comments I’ve heard from men:
“It’s vulnerability that establishes trust.”
“When a woman is vulnerable, it brings out the chivalrous side of me. I think it’s now a safe place for me to be authentic. It builds trust.”
“Femininity is showing vulnerability, sensitivity, tears, and trust. Vulnerability is a sign of trust and appreciation. It is something to be treasured, protected and never violated. It is a positive move in a relationship, a sign of opening, a sign of courage. It’s positive communication in both friendship and romance. I welcome it with deep appreciation, care, and reverence.”
– Paul J.
*Excerpt from Chapter 7 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!