Why Men Stay Quiet

Why don’t we know more about what men find feminine? Why haven’t men shared their opinions with us? I’ve learned men do have definite thoughts and feelings regarding femininity, including what they do and don’t like, but because they’ve been ridiculed and put down for giving their opinions, they’ve grown cautious. Men know what they like, but they often don’t know how to articulate it. Many men believe women simply don’t care about what men think.

In today’s hypersensitive political climate around gender issues, men have become careful about what they say. They might try to verbalize their ideas in a politically correct way but still offend someone. Men fear being called “sexist” or other derogatory adjectives that result in their being alienated from women. Men love and need us, which they will freely admit. Therefore, being cut off from us is the last thing they want.

Men’s ideas, opinions, and attitudes regarding femininity have been buried for so long that they might deny having any opinions at all. They need to feel safe with us before they will open up. They need to know we won’t get defensive or verbally attack them. When we ask a man if he likes a certain outfit on us and he responds in a general way with “Sure honey, you look good in everything you wear,” we can be fairly sure he’s trying not to upset us by saying the wrong thing. But the truth is, men do have preferences.

 

Men Love the Subtleties of Our Femininity

I was surprised to learn how much the simplest, most unassuming nuances can have the biggest effect in captivating men. Men take note of certain things we would never expect. While men don’t always observe or focus on our imperfections, they do notice small gestures and qualities that make us enchantingly feminine to them. Here are some examples:

  • The twinkle in our eye when we communicate our interest.
  • That certain look that speaks volumes.
  • The way our strands of hair frame our face and shoulders.
  • The delicate movements of our hands and wrists.
  • The carefree way our hair blows in the breeze.
  • The uninhibited giggles we let out when he says something humorous.
  • The back of our neck that’s exposed when our hair is pulled up.
  • The delicacy of our fingers holding a fork or wine glass.
  • The radiant smiles we flash him.
  • The soft whispers we breathe into his ear.
  • The dangling of a shoe when one leg is crossed over the other.
  • The strap of our dress or blouse slipping off our shoulder.
  • The mindless way we twirl our hair with our finger when we’re nervous.
  • The way we sing like a songbird from another part of the house.
  • The fresh smell we have after a bath.
  • The clean scent of our hair just after it’s washed.

 

The simple movements and gestures that men find endearing require little or no effort on our part. To men, femininity isn’t so much what we do, it’s who we are naturally, authentically.

A number of men told me about moments from the past with feminine women that they’ll never forget. One man remembered holding his girlfriend’s hand and twirling the ring on her finger as a way of connecting while they listened to a monotonous speaker. Another remembered seeing a redhead from behind in a grocery store and being in awe of her beautiful red curls. Another man remembered an Italian woman he encountered in Rome who gave him a warm and unforgettable smile as she walked by.

From the way men talk about these memories, I’ve been repeatedly awestruck by how these special little moments seem embedded in men’s minds forever. Even when we may not be aware of it, men notice us. When we realize that men appreciate the little things about us, it will give us greater confidence and make us feel more beautiful. And when we feel beautiful, we are beautiful!

 

Jim, an engineer from California, once remarked:

 

“I will never forget a waitress I observed at a restaurant in a shopping mall. She had a good body, looked like she was very active, not at all overweight, and not over-the-top sexy either, just genuinely healthy-looking. She was running around helping everyone she could. She was laughing, she was happy, and the customers seemed to love her. I noticed a couple of the male waiters watching her, as she was covering far more tables and customers than they were. They were grinning. I felt that this was a woman that I could like. Her attitude was extremely attractive to me, and she was wonderfully feminine in my eyes. What I didn’t tell you is that apart from her attitude, and an athletic, womanly body, she would be considered quite homely, perhaps a 3 on a 1-10 scale. But she didn’t know it! From her attitude you would have thought that she felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Men Don’t Notice Our Imperfections

Men find us more beautiful than we do ourselves. Instead of noticing what’s wrong, men see what’s attractive. For instance, men see our curves before they see our cellulite.

We females, however, notice every imperfection. We expertly critique every detail of our hair, outfit, nails, makeup, and shoes. Because we are so hard on ourselves, we assume that men notice the same imperfect details. However, just as men don’t notice their socks lying in the middle of the floor, they don’t observe our imperfections—unless we call attention to them. We often make the mistake of redirecting a man’s attention away from our feminine beauty onto flaws we’re self-conscious about—flaws that a man would never have noticed if we had not pointed them out. While our female brains focus on what needs to improve or change, men’s brains focus on what’s feminine and alluring. We are far better off when we appreciate the positive feminine qualities that we already have in abundance, as opposed to being our own worst critics and finding an endless parade of real or imagined defects.

 

A Story of My Brother

 

When my brother Paul visited me in San Diego some years ago, he took photos of me at the beach. He later said that one photo in particular was the best picture he’d ever seen of me. But, when he showed me the photo, I didn’t like it at all, and I couldn’t understand why he loved it so much. My hair was blown back, revealing my high forehead and dark roots, and I felt my smile was too broad and gummy.

My brother was a perfectionist in photography, so I couldn’t imagine why he picked that photo. But now, years later, I can finally appreciate the beauty he saw. Despite the glaring imperfections I observed, my brother saw a natural, happy girl with a genuine, unabashed smile. For him, my inner radiance outshined any “imperfections.”

This story illustrates how men see our beauty differently than we do. They see our beauty when we often don’t.

Men of all ages tell me that they see something beautiful in every woman, even if a woman is not their type. Finding women beautiful seems to be woven into their DNA. Women should feel relieved and happy that men notice and admire the simply feminine things we take for granted: our curves, our colors, our curls, our eyes, our smiles, and our hips. These features of ours are quite mesmerizing to them, even though we put little effort or expense into them.

           

Men Love Our Curves

This is a before and after of one of my clients.  Notice how she was hiding her curves in the before photo.

It’s important to know that men love curves of all sizes. Some men prefer smaller curves while others prefer larger curves. Nevertheless, the operative word is curves.

Men want to see our hourglass, so accentuating our waistline is the goal. Why do you think women wore corsets in days gone by? It was all about the sought-after hourglass. One way to accentuate our waist is to wear princess-cut tops or dresses that cinch at the waist. We can also achieve this look by wearing form-fitting—not tight—clothing. Vertical ribbing in tops and dresses is another wonderful way of accentuating our curves because the lines trace our form in a subtle way that catches a man’s attention. A word of caution: Don’t wear clothes that are too tight. Wearing a dress that’s too tight can appear cheap or “trampy.” It also gives the appearance that we’re wearing clothes we’ve outgrown from weight gain. Not a pretty sight.

Another way to accomplish the hourglass look is with belts. Choose belts that are on the thinner side. Men say they dislike thick belts and don’t find them feminine because they remind them of a workman’s tool belt or a wrestler’s belt. Choose a belt that matches the dress, or a neutral or complementary color.

 

 

“I find models who are too thin to be almost boyish,

and not attractive.”

– Mason

 

 

“Muscular women don’t look feminine because they’ve lost

their soft curves.” 

– John

 

 

Men Fall in Love with Our Vulnerability 

Vulnerability is closely related to authenticity. We can’t be fully authentic without first being vulnerable. This willingness to be deeply open and transparent makes us irresistible to a man. One reason vulnerability is so attractive to a man is that he has a deep need to be needed and to be protective of us. Our vulnerability brings out the hero in him.

So why is the thought of being vulnerable so frightening to us? Perhaps it is because we fear the hurt and rejection that might come when we unmask our real selves. Vulnerability takes courage because we have to surrender to our fears of being seen and known. It feels scary because it requires getting naked emotionally and we could get hurt.

Most of us carry past relationship wounds of some kind, which can make being vulnerable a scary proposition. It is important as women that we first listen to and trust our intuition to determine when to be vulnerable and when not to be. Yet to have real intimacy in a romantic relationship we must be willing to be vulnerable. Without vulnerability, we are prone to being hollow and rigid. We miss out on the rich, close connection with the man we love. We cannot experience genuine love or intimacy without vulnerability.

Once we have chosen a good man and opened ourselves to him, we receive the best rewards. We find that as we are more vulnerable, our man is too. Men want to feel safe to express their uncertainties to us, but they are not likely to open up if we won’t be vulnerable with them. It’s the intimacy of sharing secrets and intimate details that sets our hearts free and serves as a bonding force in couples.

Being vulnerable is not only a gift we give ourselves, it’s also a gift of freedom for our men.

Men have consistently expressed to me the desire for a woman to be authentic and vulnerable instead of putting up the pretense of perfection. Here are some comments I’ve heard from men:

 

“It’s vulnerability that establishes trust.”

– Bill

 

“When a woman is vulnerable, it brings out the chivalrous side of me. I think it’s now a safe place for me to be authentic. It builds trust.”

– Irvin

 

“Femininity is showing vulnerability, sensitivity, tears, and trust. Vulnerability is a sign of trust and appreciation. It is something to be treasured, protected and never violated. It is a positive move in a relationship, a sign of opening, a sign of courage. It’s positive communication in both friendship and romance. I welcome it with deep appreciation, care, and reverence.”

– Paul J.

 

*Excerpt from Chapter 7 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!

Men Notice Us When We Showcase Our Femininity

Due to their naturally visual nature, men notice our outer beauty first before discovering our inner qualities. So while the inner qualities are more important than the outer appeal, if we don’t pay attention to our looks, men may not get the chance to discover our inner beauty. This does not mean men are shallow. Their biology is in charge here. In fact, science has discovered there are legitimate survival advantages to the characteristics we consider “beautiful.” For example, symmetrical facial features correlate with a stronger immune system, and a classically feminine body shape correlates with better reproductive capability. Undoubtedly there are other correlations we don’t yet know about.

Nature designed men to be attracted to women with these basic visual characteristics, which serve to help men, much as we women are served by our sense of intuition. In fairness, we would no more wish upon men the loss of their natural visual discernment than we would wish upon ourselves the loss of our natural intuitive discernment. In terms of visual qualities, as with inner qualities, what men look for in women are simple feminine basics. Ironically, many women unknowingly neglect these basics, and instead work on aspects of their appearance that matter little to men.

What men tell me they’d like to see a simple, authentic expression of our inner feminine, not some kind of display of pretended perfection. Just as we women intuitively feel a lack of trust when a man seems too perfect, so men also sense something may be too good to be true when women present themselves as too perfect.

But, when we enhance our best features by bringing focus to them, men immediately notice. For example, if our best features are our healthy hair, long legs, and big eyes, we can make them more beautiful, shapely, and alluring by putting additional emphasis on them, which also serves to downplay our less attractive features. We don’t need to be raving beauties to possess an alluring feminine image that attracts men.

If you’re in a relationship and desire to create a feminine image, ask your man what he likes. He probably won’t describe it to you, as it’s hard for him to put into words, but if you show him, he can say “yes” or “no.” When you try something on, study his face and you will know immediately. If he likes it, his eyes will light up, he will smile, and he’ll likely verbalize something akin to “Wow!” If he doesn’t deliver a similar response, he’s probably not crazy about the look. Remember, before your man will be honest with his opinion, he has to trust that you won’t get upset with him. While you’re earning his trust, use your intuition and his nonverbal cues to know whether he likes the look you’ve put together or not.

 

Here are some thoughts on outer beauty from a man’s perspective:

“Femininity comes in many unique forms, not just in good looks and a stylish appearance. Regardless of any quirks, if it is genuine, it will be endearing, and someone will find the whole package very attractive, flaws and all.” 

– Ken, Entrepreneur, California

 

“As a man, I love seeing the feminine body showcased to emphasize the differences between men and women’s bodies. I like to see our differences accentuated.”

– John, Engineer, California

 

“Men are attracted to qualities and attributes that are strictly female. For instance, it is alluring for a woman to wear a dress, heels, lipstick, perfume, nail and toe polish, earrings and other jewelry, and to have longish hair. Believe me, men are very much aware of those things.”

– Kenny, Business Owner, California

 

“I will often compliment a woman who inspires me. It might be a bank teller who has beautifully manicured and polished nails, or a retail clerk with a striking hairstyle, or a woman standing in line wearing a pretty dress. I’m not hitting on them, but appreciating the effort they’ve made to be feminine. It makes me feel good to compliment them, and it makes them feel good. Which is really the point. They deserve it.”

– Randy, Retired CEO of Electronics Company,       Ashland, OR

 

“There is a large disconnect between men and women when it comes to the subject of women’s outer appearance. We men are primarily attracted to the inner feminine qualities of women, and look for simple outer representations of them. In the meantime, women have been persuaded to hide their inner feminine qualities as being some kind of weakness, immaturity, ineffectiveness. Then, instead of showcasing the inner feminine qualities, women engage in superficial public display. In the meantime, men look for outer representations of inner beauty, and are disappointed when women have engaged in this artificial process.  Women are more authentic and more pleasing to men, when they enhance their appearance based on their inner quality to men, versus assuming men to be superficial.”

– Eric, I.T. Consultant, Seattle, WA

 

*Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!

Femininity is the Greatest Force

“Man’s greatest motivating force is his desire to please woman!”

-Napoleon Hill, Author of Think and Grow Rich

 

The Greatest Force

Here’s a surprising insight I learned from men: Men know that femininity is the greatest force on the planet. This bears repeating. Femininity is the greatest force on the planet. And yet we women have been urged to believe differently. Perhaps if we understood the immeasurable value of our femininity to men, we would never have abandoned it. Instead, we would see it as one of our greatest treasures.

 

Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

Women often ask, “Where have all the real men gone?” Unfortunately, as we move farther away from our femininity, masculine men move farther away from us. Femininity is like an elixir that intensifies the lifeblood of masculinity. Masculinity truly thrives under the influence of the feminine. If we want masculine men to be attracted to us, we must first be feminine for them. Another thing to note here is that men will naturally become more masculine in the presence of feminine women. In the absence of masculinity in us, they will step up to fill that role.

 

Letting Go of Preconceived Notions

We women tend to believe that femininity is strictly a female domain, and that only women hold the meaning to what’s feminine. After all, aren’t we the experts on this topic? Most of us have never considered men’s opinions on femininity because it seems counterintuitive; femininity in the same sentence as men appears paradoxical.

            I’ve found that we have many false notions about what men find to be feminine. We develop our beliefs about femininity from our mothers, sisters, girlfriends, women’s magazines, and the media. Rarely, if ever, do we learn femininity from men. We think we already know what men find feminine, so we haven’t bothered asking them. After all, what do men know about femininity anyway? They’re just guys, right? Well, I discovered that they actually know a lot.

Whether or not they verbalize it, men know what’s feminine. They do not consciously analyze, choose, or decide what’s feminine; instead, their biology tells them. Men do know what’s feminine because they know what attracts them. Mother Nature made our femininity for their masculinity. In other words, it’s our femininity that makes a man feel masculine.

We females often have mistaken ideas of what attracts men. If we want to attract and keep quality men, we need to be willing to let go of the notion that we as women alone hold the key to our femininity. Men do have opinions on what they like and what attracts them to us. So, if we want to know what men think, we should simply ask them. They will be very happy we did!

 

*Excerpt from Chapter 2 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!

 

 

Sexy vs. Feminine Looks

Modern society has taught women that “sexy” is the new feminine. It’s nearly impossible these days to find a woman’s magazine that doesn’t have the word “sexy” on its cover. One woman I spoke with told me that it seems today’s women have only two choices: to be a man or to be sexy. If the options in women’s clothing stores today are any indication, I would have to agree with her.

If a woman is trying to get maximum attention from men with a seductive, plunging neckline and a micro-mini skirt, it’s true that she will successfully appeal to and arouse men’s desire for sex. Men’s brains are compartmentalized. They have different compartments for seeking sex and for seeking a relationship or wife. So, when a woman is dressed in a sexy way, this appeals to men who just want sex and are not thinking beyond that.

Given these social trends, that’s why women who are seeking a long-term relationship are wise to choose a classier, more modest look over a sexy look. Men tell me that a woman who focuses on dressing sexy is not seen as feminine. In fact, dressing in such a way can even have a masculine aspect to it because she is being somewhat aggressive in an overtly suggestive way. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement, provided that’s what a woman wants. However, dressing sexy is not a good fit for a woman with a more receptive feminine energy who wants to find a man who wants a long-term relationship that can lead to marriage.

Men view a modestly yet attractively dressed woman as mysterious, interesting, and alluring. Being feminine in a modest way means leaving no question you are a woman, while leaving something to the imagination. Modest does not mean wearing shapeless, boring clothing. Accentuating our womanly curves is important to men, and it can be done in a tasteful way. We don’t need to be poured into a dress. Modest dress awakens both respect and intrigue in men. The sense of mystery it engenders makes men want to learn more about us. We are a prize to be sought after and won. Revealing too much too soon takes the mystery away. We can see ourselves as a gift that needs to be unwrapped slowly as a man proves himself to us. We don’t want to go outside already unwrapped.

Excerpt from Chapter 8 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly
Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!

Men are Attracted to Our Youthfulness

Whether we’re 19 or 90, men love youthful women of all ages. Youthfulness is at least as much about attitude as it is about age or looks. It’s about being fresh and open. It’s about our smiles, our laughter, the way we dress, the colors we wear, and being radiantly happy. For instance, Maude, the 79 year old woman in the classic movie, Harold and Maude, was adorable to her 18 year old male friend because she had a childlike curiousity that made her lots of fun to be around. She was delightful because she still saw the world through youthful eyes. There is something about these qualities that men find rejuvenating and healing. Women with youthful attitudes bring out chivalrous qualities in men. They feel more masculine because it brings out their protective nature.

Women often ask why men seem to prefer younger women. Not truly understanding men leads some women to pursue misguided solutions to this perceived problem. They invest heavily in developing and maintaining a youthful appearance while failing to put any thought into keeping a youthful attitude or mindset. In that event, they may succeed in getting temporary attention, but the inner qualities don’t match what’s advertised on the outside. Good men walk away confused and disappointed when they encounter these women. False advertising is not a good strategy to attract a quality man. We can more easily find and keep the men of our dreams by developing attitudes of genuine youthfulness.

“But if you are truly happy inside, then age brings with it a maturity, a depth, and a power that only magnifies our radiance.”

– David Deida, Author of Intimate Communion

 

Traits of Youthful Attitudes:
  • She has a childlike curiosity and wonder.
  • She’s easily fascinated by new ideas and experiences.
  • She notices and appreciates little things.
  • She’s vivacious and excited about life.
  • She’s carefree and open to life.
  • She has an easy laugh.
  • She’s natural and not overly made up.
  • She can still wear ponytails, neck scarves, and pleats.
  • She’s not afraid to wear feminine flowers or ribbons in her hair.

 

“When a woman wears a flower in her hair, it shows men she has the courage to be girlish. Doing this can take ten years off her age.”  – Roberto, Palo Alto, California

Excerpt from Chapter 7 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly

Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!

Men Love Our Receptiveness       

Men love to give to their women, but they find it hard to give if women aren’t receptive to their offerings. It disappoints men when women don’t openly receive their gifts (help, service, chivalry, support) because it makes them feel unappreciated.

Receptivity is a feminine quality that’s irresistible to men. To be receptive means to be responsive, approachable, and accessible. Our receptiveness makes men feel masculine because it indicates we trust them to take the lead in a particular area.

Being receptive is not easy for most of us these days because it involves letting go of independence. Switching to our feminine receptive energy can be challenging when we arrive home from doing masculine jobs. To be receptive, we can’t remain inflexible. We can soften our resistance by letting go of the day and relaxing and being gracious receivers. Saying “yes,” “thank you,” “please,” and “that would be wonderful” to the men who love us and want to give to us.

Men have told me that they love to compliment us on our looks, our outfit, our talents, our cooking, and our skills. And they love it when we receive and appreciate their compliments. But many women reject these verbal gifts by downplaying or not believing them. We often think men are just being nice, trying to lure us into bed, or devising another ulterior motive. The vast majority of men are sincere when they give us a compliment, and if we receive their compliments graciously, it shows a delightful openness.

Allowing vs. Resistance

One aspect of receptivity is allowing, which men find refreshingly feminine. To be more allowing, we must look at what we resist. Even if we aren’t fully aware of it, most of us subconsciously resist situations and people on a daily basis. We have a difficult time trusting ourselves or others.  But, each time we resist something or someone, we limit our experiences and hinder new possibilities. And so, to allow, we must overcome our resistances.

Most resistance stems from fear of the unknown. Our ego keeps us safe by holding us in our comfort zone. Recall times in your life when you said no to something simply because it was new and unfamiliar. You might say, “Oh, I would never go camping,” or “I never stay up past 9:30 p.m.,” or “I don’t do mornings,” or “I’m not a computer person,” or “I don’t wear dresses.”  Can’t, won’t, don’t, and never are all words we use when we are resisting.

Allowing, on the other hand, is about saying “yes” to what resonates with our hearts. We often say “no” to things that could transform our lives for the better—like saying “no” to a trip to Europe or “no” to a local painting class or simply saying “no” to a first date when we could have said “yes.” We get stuck in a cycle of our habits, which can make us rigid over time. We can break out of this cycle just by asking ourselves, “Am I doing this out of habit? Or out of fear? Is there an opportunity to grow by choosing differently next time?”

Just making this small adjustment can keep us moving forward, keep us fresh, exciting, and youthful. We can reinvent our lives by doing something we’ve never done before, even if we don’t think we’ll be good at it. Our world can open up if we allow more and resist less.

When we are approachable and feminine, men are drawn to us. They see us as receptive when we embody an attitude of liking men. By smiling, making eye contact, and projecting through our body language, men we’re attracted to know we are welcoming. This open receptiveness is one of the most attractive qualities we can have in order to attract a quality man.

Excerpt from Chapter 7 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men by Morgan Wonderly

Get your copy of Simply Feminine on Amazon Here! It will change your perceptions of men forever!