Our Aversion to the Word “Need”


As a whole, we women seem to be proud of not needing a man today. We can even wear it like a badge of honor. However, we have no idea how this kind of pride destroys a man’s adoration for us.

We’ve come to believe that autonomy is synonymous with strength. As part of our cultural emphasis on independence, we have heard repeatedly that we are not supposed to need a man in our lives. We have been led to believe there is something wrong with us if we say we “need” a man, and we have been conditioned to deny these thoughts and feelings as though needing a man is an unpardonable sin. Even if we secretly admit to ourselves we need a man, we don’t dare say it aloud. Many of us disappear into a closet with our needs, where we pretend to be perfectly happy—independent and alone.

Men have described a modern-day trend in women’s online dating profiles in which women write that they “don’t need a man, they just want a man.” However, this statement does not endear a woman to them; in fact, they tell me it turns them off. Men need to feel useful to women, but how can they feel useful if we claim we don’t need them? How would we feel if we weren’t needed?

Sure, we can exist without a man, but that isn’t living life to the fullest. Quality men can add so much to our lives if we let them. The right man opens the door to our heart more than we can for ourselves. He can add more safety, happiness, support, and fulfillment to our lives. Good men make it a priority to see that our needs and desires are met. I think that’s a wonderful thing. Imagine how much easier our lives could be if we just let men know about our needs. They long to help us. All we have to do is to let them.


“Men and women are like two feet; they need each other to get ahead.”    – Dr. Helen Fisher


Excerpt from Chapter 5 of Simply Feminine: Surprising Insights from Men, by Morgan Wonderly